I struggled to love this body.
Yep. That’s right.
In the journey of healing in the past 10 years, deeply in the past 3, have completely changed how I view caring for myself. I focused on strictly physical self care prior to my journey. I was about getting the body right, looking beautiful )rather than being beautiful), feeling stronger, doing more physical challenges to just be...worthy.
It was as if I could conquer the physical then the emotional self hate and torture would just go away. Bicep curls cured bipolar, muthafahkah!
Looking back now, I was torturing myself with endorphins and tough mudders to feel a temporary fix of self love and worthiness. I wrapped up all of my worth into physical performance. And, since The performance required more accolades over and over, I was dependent on anything external to help me feel loved and valued.
My body is heavier, and it’s because i am grounded into it, with a few more pounds on it, too. Being on vacation for the first time since I’ve made a pivot into grounding myself and being, the body just moved differently and craves being not doing.
This body has moved through some difficult shit and I’m in love with the soul that inhabits the skin and bones.
Taking the time to check in about ways you are caring for yourself are important. Are you doing the things you’re doing to help you love, honor and respect yourself or are you doing it to prove something and to whom? Is it out of love or hate?
Matter fact, are you not even sure?!! And if this post is setting off alarms inside of you, calling you to check in somehow some way, well then: welcome. Let the universe work it’s magic and know it’s not an accident that you’ve come here.